Tag Archives: doubt
From Nowhere
At this point, I’m not sure what to write about anymore. I’ve been battered, shattered, scattered… Life has been rough, tough, cruel with no fuel to carry me on.
My dreams, my passion, my zeal all lost to the the hands of inconsistency but this non-chalancy isn’t derived from the lack of will, not from the lack of inspiration, cause every experience comes with a dozen paragraphs package painted with pain prescribed to every word printed out, to every drop of ink flowing out from the pen that never runs dry….. Or so I said…..
This pen harbours stories wanting to be told so badly but lacks an initiating point, a prologue to sentences crafted from sincerity. So it stays pregnant with thousands of untold stories until it can’t contain no more, so i start from nowhere, hoping to get to somewhere, hoping to be heard, hoping you would decipher…..
H.M.B.P
With each step i take, i hope to get to the finish line to this dark tunnel of paranoia…
But each step seems to take me a mile backwards.
A magnetic pain I can’t seem to distance from.
lost confidence, plot twists i fail to understand.
I love happy endings, but this story’s “in media res” technique makes it look more like an advanced tragedy.
My pen wonders if its abandoned…
but the truth is i don’t wanna burn papers with brutality.
sorrounded by people but pain seems like my only home.
if time heals tell me why my clock is at a stand still.
healing never ends so I’ve learnt to find comfort and make a home in my brutal pain.
BAD INFLUENCE
I’m not myself and I know it
I’m invaded, subconsciously being controlled
willingly obsessed, little voices in my head, silent nights, deep thoughts, drowning hallucinations, wild imaginations….
bad bad type of influence……
self denial, in-between the lines of indecision, draining, dying, tired, sad that i can’t decipher
i got the bad type of butterflies
and it’s bad influence to my soul.
“THE TRIO”
I am “me”, my mind and my heart
“me” in two voices
my mind and me
my heart and me
it’s always a struggle
which should I listen to??
my mind thinks straight, cuz obviously……..
my heart thinks deep……
i need to loose one to have “me”
loose my mind or my heart
“me” is confused
i want to listen to my heart, but i hate listening to my mind say “i warned you” Everytime i come crying back.
i don’t wanna go from ” me” to an foreign island of crowded emotions.
my heart always entices me, scoring points, breaking
“me” to pieces at the end.
i hate the fact that my heart is always right
my mind thinks straight.
my heart thinks deep.
it’s “me”, my mind, and my heart
and it’s still a struggle…….
LOST DREAMS
If only things could be more clearer.
a broad explanation to these tears.
cause this time even my fears have been dethroned to a Lower tier of my pain.
betraying every last statement written down on this hearts manifesto.
with this mind working under a government overtaken by a coup, its a dictatorship, such a conundrum.
breathing, but just not living…
dating back to the uncivilized days before sir lord lugard freed us from the shackles of shattered dreams.
yet till this day i still can’t put together the pieces.
its like a puzzle, only that the pieces of mine seems to be lost in an ocean of apathetic passion.
I WRITE, I WISH I ACT
i write…..
they say with passion
with words that comes alive within each line with words that roar out truth
with twisted feelings, retwisted but still understood within those unseen lines.
I write….
they say with raw words
unfiltered and so much relatable
with words surprisingly consoling your bottled feelings
I write…….
words I wish would console my own bottled feelings
I write, I wish I act
touching terms torturing souls triggering pain
I wish I could be at the receiving end absorb and be consoled
I write to mend your soul not necessarily mine
I mend, I wish, I self console
I write, I wish I act
FEEL
I feel the deepest of regrets in the most memorable way
I feel the deepest of sadness in the most pleasurable way…
foresight becoming memorable insights.
never forgotten, never erased.
aftermaths of a bleeding love, painful pleasure…..
perfect play played perfectly…
when reality comes knocking,
fantasies become impossible occurrences blown into the wind.
I feel grief in love from a bleeding heart.
sanity threatening reality from a bleeding soul.
regrets worth experiencing one more time and maybe again……
I feel tortured love
this is reality worth escaping from……
“REMINISCE”
I once wrote about my difference with so much confidence, undaunted and certain it was a unique one.
I once said I don’t listen to how people say the world works.
never knew I would be in a state of total give up. never knew I would be looking for the real me.
so?? I make odd choices.
so?? I look beyond the surface.
it’s cruel that society has made some certain ideologies, cultures crafted by what we consider “norms”
I want to be different.
I want to be recorded as the unique one.
stand out from the crowd,
dig out the truth to the surface.
repaint that wrong picture and show you why diamonds are rare and are found underneath the ground.
I want to be me, but society wants me to be a replica of humans,
play a role as part of the ideologically accepted human crafted culture.
I want to make a difference, discover, and explore but society is content with just the human routine achievements.
But what if I was made to achieve something much more than that?
“Crazy ain’t it?”
Phew!! It's crazy ain't it?, Who am I expecting to answer this.....
Go on....you could call it being unserious, undetermined, unable to reach my goals, set my eyes on the gold that brightens up my future and nothing less, a quench for greatness....
But this soul has been glitched, downtrodden under the fist of self paranoia. Where every glimpse of greatness have been erased, not even an echo of all the encouragement that strives me on. From a distance I have a blurred vision, but coming closer with just a blink of an eye it has vanished like it was never there.......
Crazy ain't it?
Cuz everyone else sees it so clear as crystal
But I don't.....
I've been on a journey, of thousands miles in thousand ways treacherous. Could Sail through an ocean of possibilities but decided to buy a plane ticket.
Crazy ain't it?
Funny how my mind seems to paint a picture from a drop of unfiltered paint.
Funny how my visuals seems so clear but pictures a blurred version of reality....
Funny how I seem okay and the next moment I feel like a thousand tangled threads.... Unable to get straight.
So when I ask "crazy ain't it?"....... Don't worry it's not meant to be answered.
And one thing I really hope for is fuel to fire on
Burn down this jungle of self paranoia, tear off that page of limitations, and paint a clear picture from the most refined paint.
It's been "a journey"..... Literally.
And I might just tell you about it.
Hey! Just a drop of reassurance is all this soul needs….. Wanna hear about “the journey”?
Guilty pleasures
Cut it off!
All lies!
Stop this pretence under this defense the only context of words you seem to compel me with.
It's bad but it's good
It's wrong but it's right
Your not supposed to do it, but your not supposed to trip either
Common!
It's the gaslighting for me!
You act like you care, and make me compare the obvious.
It's not like I'm oblivious of the fact that it's temporary.
It's temporary, but permanently creates a contemporary image in my mind.
Stop with the contemplating!
But why do I still want you to consider it anyway??
You made this image
And now it doesn't seem to fade......
Maybe I didn't erase it.
Clear up this deck, pick up new cards.
I need to play well to erase this scars
But why do I still have doubts??
Left to ponder 2
Left to ponder
About why am not the one with the Golden thunder
About why I have to die to feel important
About so many reasons why I have a purpose.
Left to ponder about why I can't see the heavens in my eyes without a mirror.
About so many known but unknown mysteries of life.
About why I have to take certain risks to be recognized.
Left to ponder on some questions that constantly drown my soul in wonder
Do I make a difference?
Am I gonna make that dream come true?
Is anyone reading this?
Maybe if dreaming big on a global perspective was a crime, then my mind wouldn't have to be constantly clouded with ideas, and my soul won't be drowned in wonder as am constantly left to ponder.
Left to ponder 1
Left to ponder
Lonely in my room
And deep within because of the thoughts that broke my mind
It's as if I have lived this world before I was born
It's as if I was a god, now in a human body.
So I wonder why,
Why I was left to tremble
Why I was left with many unanswerd questions.
Why I was left on the undiscovered part of the mystery.
Am I living the right life?
Am I on the destined track?
These are constant pop up questions in my head, as am constantly left to ponder.
Doubt
Clear from a distance at a distant time
Coming closer and gaining a blurred vision
Certainty and confidence lost in a blink of an eye
Doubt and depression slowly sliding in
Tryna pull myself together and focus but constantly being drawn back by a feeling of uncertainty, the sudden fear of the unknown
Why??
Why this fear factor?
A Sub entity tryna pull down this whole entity.
TRUE PROGRESS
Progress is the act of moving forward
Progress is the acceleration of our success
The inbuilt optimism that pushes us to the top, not just that but the best of it!
The equivalent to this is a life filled with false hope but still being fueled by failure.
A raging desire to strive on even when the road isn't smooth at all.
A strong believe that impossibility is just an opinion that is accepted only by the weak souls. The ability to stand undefeated in the midst of unexpected challenges
PROGRESS!!
Is the happiness that comes along with the triumph of doggedness. An insight to the true meaning of progress, causes us to wonder........
Is progress truly achievable?
