Tag Archives: anxiety

PAINFUL GRATITUDE

Dear society,
you’ve crippled my words, tied down my speech, and burnt down my license.
you’ve slapped my dignity, questioned my honesty, and drowned my happiness in a pool of tears and anxiety.
Dear society… I’m surprised…
my jaws dropped down in shock,
cold hands, cold feets in fear,
my smile, my laughter unreal,
dark nights I faced, silent screams i heard in echoes.
Dear society,
yes, you broke me, but thankfully, left pieces, hoping i would decrease, but those were bridges, a treatment to my bruises.
so dear society…. thank you…..
For building a stronger version of me.

From Nowhere

At this point, I’m not sure what to write about anymore. I’ve been battered, shattered, scattered… Life has been rough, tough, cruel with no fuel to carry me on.

My dreams, my passion, my zeal all lost to the the hands of inconsistency but this non-chalancy isn’t derived from the lack of will, not from the lack of inspiration, cause every experience comes with a dozen paragraphs package painted with pain prescribed to every word printed out, to every drop of ink flowing out from the pen that never runs dry….. Or so I said…..

This pen harbours stories wanting to be told so badly but lacks an initiating point, a prologue to sentences crafted from sincerity. So it stays pregnant with thousands of untold stories until it can’t contain no more, so i start from nowhere, hoping to get to somewhere, hoping to be heard, hoping you would decipher…..

H.M.B.P


With each step i take, i hope to get to the finish line to this dark tunnel of paranoia…
But each step seems to take me a mile backwards.
A magnetic pain I can’t seem to distance from.
lost confidence, plot twists i fail to understand.
I love happy endings, but this story’s “in media res” technique makes it look more like an advanced tragedy.
My pen wonders if its abandoned…
but the truth is i don’t wanna burn papers with brutality.
sorrounded by people but pain seems like my only home.
if time heals tell me why my clock is at a stand still.
healing never ends so I’ve learnt to find comfort and make a home in my brutal pain.


BAD INFLUENCE


I’m not myself and I know it
I’m invaded, subconsciously being controlled
willingly obsessed, little voices in my head, silent nights, deep thoughts, drowning hallucinations, wild imaginations….
bad bad type of influence……
self denial, in-between the lines of indecision, draining, dying, tired, sad that i can’t decipher
i got the bad type of butterflies
and it’s bad influence to my soul.


“THE TRIO”


I am “me”, my mind and my heart
“me” in two voices
my mind and me
my heart and me
it’s always a struggle
which should I listen to??
my mind thinks straight, cuz obviously……..
my heart thinks deep……
i need to loose one to have “me”
loose my mind or my heart
“me” is confused
i want to listen to my heart, but i hate listening to my mind say “i warned you” Everytime i come crying back.
i don’t wanna go from ” me” to an foreign island of crowded emotions.
my heart always entices me, scoring points, breaking
“me” to pieces at the end.
i hate the fact that my heart is always right
my mind thinks straight.
my heart thinks deep.
it’s “me”, my mind, and my heart
and it’s still a struggle…….


“GREY LAVA”

Time heals they say…
but memories remind and scars remain
difficult to move on with a smile,
ignorance and denial to the heart,
walking through life after an eruption and putting on an act of strength and neutrality when deep down a hole dug and hot lava spilling out…
but Time they say heals…
the liquid within cooling down as the clock ticks, and poetry giving remedy to the soul.
This creates a chance for hope, a chance to smile genuinely again.
A chance to step on “grey lava”

LOST DREAMS


If only things could be more clearer.
a broad explanation to these tears.
cause this time even my fears have been dethroned to a Lower tier of my pain.
betraying every last statement written down on this hearts manifesto.
with this mind working under a government overtaken by a coup, its a dictatorship, such a conundrum.
breathing, but just not living…
dating back to the uncivilized days before sir lord lugard freed us from the shackles of shattered dreams.
yet till this day i still can’t put together the pieces.
its like a puzzle, only that the pieces of mine seems to be lost in an ocean of apathetic passion.

GLIMPSE FROM GUTS


The light visible at the end of each shadowed pipe.
The ending that seems unreal but takes reality on an unusual surprise.
The confidence you think is void but suddenly shows up.
The hope that comes with the desire to fight. The desire to hang tight and not give up.
The rage and anger that results in a fight against ugly situations that seem to cripple and cut short the beautiful smiles.
The positive “maybe” and “hopefully” that stands in front of each sentences spreading toxic fumes that neutralizes the fear within. dark shadows in darkness.
who dares for a smile?
prohibited words…. joy
atrocity? no! i dare
This is glimpse from guts.


I WRITE, I WISH I ACT


i write…..
they say with passion
with words that comes alive within each line with words that roar out truth
with twisted feelings, retwisted but still understood within those unseen lines.
I write….
they say with raw words
unfiltered and so much relatable
with words surprisingly consoling your bottled feelings
I write…….
words I wish would console my own bottled feelings
I write, I wish I act
touching terms torturing souls triggering pain
I wish I could be at the receiving end absorb and be consoled
I write to mend your soul not necessarily mine
I mend, I wish, I self console
I write, I wish I act


FEEL


I feel the deepest of regrets in the most memorable way
I feel the deepest of sadness in the most pleasurable way…
foresight becoming memorable insights.
never forgotten, never erased.
aftermaths of a bleeding love, painful pleasure…..
perfect play played perfectly…
when reality comes knocking,
fantasies become impossible occurrences blown into the wind.
I feel grief in love from a bleeding heart.
sanity threatening reality from a bleeding soul.
regrets worth experiencing one more time and maybe again……
I feel tortured love
this is reality worth escaping from……


THINGS UNSAID


if only I could put everything This Heart of mine feels into words,
but the little unsaid details are never determined by inabilities or reluctancy
but by the overdose of certainty and the power of few, unfiltered words that produces unseen lines between visible paragraphs
the unseen words that gets sensed so strong and obviously
the unsaid but familiar lines that forms a formidable and undiluted consent for pondering
things unsaid yet more vividly real.

WITH EACH BREATH

everyday I open up my eyes and discovered that dreams and reality just don’t get along too well
but the truth is undeniable and regardless wishes aren’t horses
I breathe in and out a thought repeatedly. close my eyes and all I see is a reoccurring trail of plain wishes as impossible as a wet rock under the sun
and I could never settle for a defeat
cuz these exhales speaks truth in unspoken words only audible to us
with every breath I wish…..
unspeakable feelings sense within
and every time I look into the waters
I see a reflection of reality worth turning to dreams
or rather….. dreams worth turning into reality with each breath I take in, it’s an impossible plain wish.

She is danger craved for

she said everything would be fine
she said in a million years to come she would still choose the unexpected
she was such an easy to fall for type
she uses black magic
she confuses one with her killer smile
she makes the crowd and “him” go crazy
she’s quite toxic, everyone “wants” her thinks they “need” her
until they realize her toxic fumes spreads and cripples
she isn’t to be loved or tampered with
she isn’t what she thinks of herself
and neither is she what others think of her.
she is danger craved for.

BLEEDING LOVE

they said love doesn’t hurt
they said all good things about love
a word so complicated
a four letter word that forms a forum of complications
a love that cuts so deep
a love that hurts so bad
it’s love anyways but it’s different
it’s an experiencial emotional torture
but you keep yearning for more
oh! sweet pain
clearly piercing through but you embrace the pain and hope for a better tomorrow
and “uncertain tomorrow”
and though joy comes in the morning
sunrises day by day
but you keep waiting for the morning everything will seem just fine
it’s A Love so pure
but it’s a bleeding Love.


“ODDNESS”


sometimes I wonder if I think like other humans.
I think about odd things.
I act in an odd way…
one might tag it as craziness and another might tag is as uniqueness.
yes mistakes are inevitable, but my mistakes are “priceless”.
odd right?
it’s like my life is replaying right before my eyes
if only I could press the fast-forward button, get to the interesting part.
“c’mon I knew this will happen……..”
“uhh!! I’m not surprised……..”
between the “why??” and the “oh noo!!”
is the “chill the end is perfect”
and along the way, parts worth replying in a million times.
if my life was a novel, you will get lost between the pages and get back on track at the last 10 pages.
crazy ain’t it?
if my life was a movie, you would impatiently anticipate the ending.
and so I’ll let it play on and look forward to the ending.


“REMINISCE”


I once wrote about my difference with so much confidence, undaunted and certain it was a unique one.
I once said I don’t listen to how people say the world works.
never knew I would be in a state of total give up. never knew I would be looking for the real me.
so?? I make odd choices.
so?? I look beyond the surface.
it’s cruel that society has made some certain ideologies, cultures crafted by what we consider “norms”
I want to be different.
I want to be recorded as the unique one.
stand out from the crowd,
dig out the truth to the surface.
repaint that wrong picture and show you why diamonds are rare and are found underneath the ground.
I want to be me, but society wants me to be a replica of humans,
play a role as part of the ideologically accepted human crafted culture.
I want to make a difference, discover, and explore but society is content with just the human routine achievements.

But what if I was made to achieve something much more than that?

“Crazy ain’t it?”

Phew!! It's crazy ain't it?, Who am I expecting to answer this..... 
Go on....you could call it being unserious, undetermined, unable to reach my goals, set my eyes on the gold that brightens up my future and nothing less, a quench for greatness....
But this soul has been glitched, downtrodden under the fist of self paranoia. Where every glimpse of greatness have been erased, not even an echo of all the encouragement that strives me on. From a distance I have a blurred vision, but coming closer with just a blink of an eye it has vanished like it was never there.......
Crazy ain't it?
Cuz everyone else sees it so clear as crystal
But I don't.....
I've been on a journey, of thousands miles in thousand ways treacherous.  Could Sail through an ocean of possibilities but decided to buy a plane ticket.
Crazy ain't it?
Funny how my mind seems to paint a picture from a drop of unfiltered paint.
Funny how my visuals seems so clear but pictures a blurred version of reality....
Funny how I seem okay and the next moment I feel like a thousand tangled threads....  Unable to get straight.
So when I ask "crazy ain't it?"....... Don't worry it's not meant to be answered.
And one thing I really hope for is fuel to fire on
Burn down this jungle of self paranoia, tear off that page of limitations, and paint a clear picture from the most refined paint.
It's been "a journey"..... Literally.
And I might just tell you about it.

Hey! Just a drop of reassurance is all this soul needs….. Wanna hear about “the journey”?

Guilty pleasures

Cut it off!
All lies!
Stop this pretence under this defense the only context of words you seem to compel me with.
It's bad but it's good
It's wrong but it's right
Your not supposed to do it, but your not supposed to trip either
Common!
It's the gaslighting for me!
You act like you care, and make me compare the obvious.
It's not like I'm oblivious of the fact that it's temporary.
It's temporary, but permanently creates a contemporary image in my mind.
Stop with the contemplating! 
But why do I still want you to consider it anyway??
You made this image
And now it doesn't seem to fade...... 
Maybe I didn't erase it.
Clear up this deck, pick up new cards.
I need to play well to erase this scars
But why do I still have doubts??

“it’s been forever”

They say nothing lasts forever
They say seasons change but I see no change in this season
I see no smile, no back up file for this main file, meanwhile....  
The pain isn't getting extinguished
I thought this anguish will vanish 
But since happiness was banished from this entity, I have lost my identity


This little girl filled with hope for the unseen but still finds herself in a loop to the unknown.

She strives to be the one, that "one" that could have won but none of these matter anymore........
They say nothing lasts forever!
But it's been forever!!!!!

Left to ponder 2

Left to ponder
About why am not the one with the Golden thunder
About why I have to die to feel important
About so many reasons why I have a purpose.
Left to ponder about why I  can't see the heavens in my eyes without a mirror.
About so many known but unknown mysteries of life.
About why I have to take certain risks to be recognized.
Left to ponder on some questions that constantly drown my soul in wonder
Do I make a difference?
Am I gonna make that dream come true?
Is anyone reading this?
Maybe if dreaming big on a global perspective was a crime, then my mind wouldn't have to be constantly clouded with ideas, and my soul won't be drowned in wonder as am constantly left to ponder.

Left to ponder 1

Left to ponder
Lonely in my room
And deep within because of the thoughts that broke my mind
It's as if I have lived this world before I was born
It's as if I was a god, now in a human body.
So I wonder why,
Why I was left to tremble
Why I was left with many unanswerd  questions.
Why I was left on the undiscovered part of the mystery.
Am I living the right life?
Am I on the destined track?
These are constant pop up questions in my head, as am constantly left to ponder.